You Expected This To Happen, Didn't You?
by Ringmaster
Summary: Well, folks, we knew it was going to happen sometime, just be glad it wasn't anyone important. I'll get the stun gun to bring him down.


Disclaimer:

I have no rights, properties, ownerships, or privileges in regards to the work known as "Full Metal Alchemist." All right, ownerships, properties, and privileges are the properties of their respective owners. I have not received any form of payment for this work of fanfiction.

* * *

_Now…_

"You expected this to happen, didn't you?" Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye demanded. "That's why you left him alone out there. You're supposed to be there to hold him back."

"I… kind of… sort of… thought that maybe… there was a chance…" Al Elric stuttered. The gun in Hawkeye's hand, despite that it was admittedly useless against a boy whose body was a suit of armor, jumped as the blonde lieutenant's arm twitched. "He's my older brother!" Al said in desperation. "I couldn't just let them-!"

Hawkeye sighed, and holstered her weapon. "Very well. But that means you're cleaning up the mess before Mustang-taicho returns to his office."

"Has Ed-oniisan left yet?" Al asked, resigning himself to the lieutenant's will.

An explosion shattered the air. Debris scattered, and the building shook down to its foundation. Howls of inhuman rage were heard.

"That came from outside, so, yes, he has left."

"I'll clean up," Al immediately said. Leaving Roy Mustang's office in it's current condition, the fault of the Full Metal Alchemist (though Al admitted that it was his fault that Ed had gone off in the first place), was going to put the Flame Alchemist in a bad mood… and would give him an excuse to skip out on his paperwork again, which Lt. Hawkeye was _not_ going to tolerate. "When's he going to be back?"

Hawkeye consulted her watch. "Not for half an hour. I shall help."

A quick push opened the door to Mustang's office… or rather, caused the shattered remains of the door to fall off of the hinges. "Oops."

"Not a problem," Lt. Hawkeye responded. "Where are-"

Al Elric screamed.

Not the kind of scream of terror that even grown men give when their faced with their own imminent demise, or the kind of scream any human gives when they're faced with untold pain in the face of torture from their enemies at the height of war.

Alphonse Elric screamed the infamous oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god-somebody-cut-out-my-eyes-I-want-to-be-BLIND scream of sheer my-mind-has-SHATTERED little girl's scream.

Hawkeye sniffed.

"I've seen worse."

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

Roy Mustang had come back from his lunch break early.

* * *

_A couple of minutes ago…_

Lieutenant Hawkeye left the three men to their horrible fate. She knew that this shouldn't have happened. Full Metal wasn't supposed to be around when _those kinds_ of idiots started going off at the mouth. And it was Alphonse Elric's unofficial job to keep Ed away when they did.

Screams of pain drifted from her office.

Ignoring them, she stalked around the corner, and found Al trying to imitate an inanimate suit of armor.

He'd even alchemized his own pedestal and display plaque.

The traces of chalk on the wall gave him away.

Hawkeye shot him in the head.

"OW!"

Then Al realized who was glaring at him, and, remembering the method by which she had housebroken that puppy, ran for his life.

He didn't make it to the end of the hall.

* * *

_How it began…_

Hawkeye gritted her teeth, and forced herself to remember that, eventually, they would just _go away_.

'They' were three new soldiers, not even alchemists, recently recruited, and assigned to her division.

And gods above, they just didn't _shut up_.

If they were talking about anything else, _anything else_… but nooooo, it had to be _women in the military_.

Reasonably, she knew that they were, in a somewhat limited sense, correct. Hawkeye was deceptively strong. Of the fifty-nine women she had entered the military with, only ten were capable of throwing grenades _beyond their own blast radius_, which meant they were going to kill themselves if they ever threw one for real.

However, that didn't mean she had to _sit here_ and _listen to them_ prattle on and on _and on…_

Two seconds before her fuse hit the end and the guns came out and _they were going to die_, they said… something else.

They said…

"And there's no way that little shrimp could pick up anything that weighs more then fifty pounds!"

_Little shrimp?_

"You're telling me! A tiny little midget like that must have his daddy up in the chain of command to let him in."

_Tiny little midget?_

Oh…

Oh, please…

They couldn't…

Couldn't possibly…

Be talking about…

"You mean that little golden-eyed, blonde kid? If he's sixteen, I'll eat my hat. He's just a _child_ playing soldier, I bet."

They _were_.

Edward "Full Metal Alchemist" Elric.

Who really, _really_ didn't like being told he was short.

On pain of death.

"I'm sorry, gentlemen," Hawkeye said smoothly, her bad mood evaporated. "But might I ask who you are referring to?"

"Little boy we saw outside," said one.

"Claimed that we needed to respect him," said another.

"Kid said that he was better than we were," the third said in obvious annoyance.

"Told him that short kids like him needed to go home, and leave the fighting to real men."

"The he got dragged off by some weirdo in a suit of armor."

Resisting the urge to smirk, Lt. Hawkeye told informed them that that 'little boy' was, in fact, a highly respected and extraordinarily talented alchemist, and a dog of the military, like herself.

They laughed.

"That _child?_"

"That _kid?_"

"That _infant?_"

"He's a shrimp!"

"He's a tiny little midget!"

"He's a dwarf among dwarves!"

"He's pint-sized!"

"He's a mini-micro chibi!"

"He's shorter than short!"

"He's got excellent hearing," Hawkeye stated.

The door crackled with alchemistic power, drawing everyone's attention, and _detonated_ inward.

"…and he's been waiting outside the door for Lt. Colonel Mustang to return."

And to her horror, Hawkeye realized that Alphonse Elric was _not_ in sight to keep his brother from committing homicide, and that the soldiers were going to get more than the small scare that she thought they would receive.

She looked from the soldiers, who were only _now_ realizing the awesome power that had been turned against them, to Full Metal, who's face couldn't bee seen, but the fact that he seemed to be absorbing light and standing in a aura of Evil Darkness© was probably not a good sign.

_Right. I can find Alphonse, or I can try to stop Edward._

"**WHAAAAAT - DIIIID - YOOUUU - CAAAAALLLLL - MEEEEEEE?**"

The men screamed. Cages sprung up in moments.

"**YOOUUU - WIIILL - DIIIE!**"

_Alphonse should be right down the hall…_

* * *

_Now…_

"Riza, I asked what the hell was going OH SWEET SON OF A MONKEY'S ASS, WHAT **_IS_** THAT? AND WHY IS IT IN MY OFFICE?"

'That' burbled and waved an appendage in Mustang's general direction.

Al had stopped screaming, though he was now huddled in the corner and whimpering. Hawkeye suspected that he would be crying, if he were capable of doing so.

"That, sir, is two of the three-"

"_Colonel Mustang!_" bellowed Major Armstrong, thundering his way into the office. "I heard screamOH DEAR CHRIST ON A CRUTCH AAAIIIIEEEE!"

And thus the muscled Major joined Al in the corner.

"_Don'tlookitcan'thurtmedon'tlookitcan'thurtmedon'tlookitcan'thurtmedon'tlookitcan'thurtme…_"

"Sir," Riza Hawkeye tried again, "these are-"

Lieutenant Havoc shot into the office at the ready, his loyalty to Lt. Col. Mustang ready to be proven by any means, even if it meant killing whoever or whatever was in his superior's office with his bare hands if necessary, even if it was a homunculus, or a chimera, or a "OH GOD MY EYES, SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOMETHING TO CARVE OUT MY **_EYES!_**"

_This is getting way out of hand_, Hawkeye thought to herself, as Mustang tried to hold in whatever he had for lunch by raw force of will.

"This, sir is-"

"MY EYES!"

"-two of the three-"

"_whimper whimper whimper_"

"-new soldiers who insulted-"

"I'm not going to throw up, no I'm _not_…"

"-Edward Elric-"

"_burble gurgle snort_"

"-and here is a list-"

"_don'tlookitcan'thurtme don'tlookitcan'thurtme don'tlookitcan'thurtme_"

"-of the things they called him."

Keeping his back the _don'tlookitcan'thurtme_ thing that probably used to be human _MY EYES_ Roy Mustang took the list _whimper whimper _and gave it a look.

His color and demeanor returned instantly.

"They got off lightly."

"Yes sir."

"Where's the third?"

"_don'tlookitcan'thurtme_"

"I believe he escaped."

"Any sign of him or Full Metal?"

"SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOMETHING, I NEED TO CUT THE IMAGES OUT!"

BOOM THOOM BANG

"Never mind, I can hear that Edward is still in pursuit. I'll get my gloves, and see what I can do. Please try to do something with the others, would you? I'll alert the medics." Mustang quickly jumped to his desk and phoned the infirmary.

Riza Hawkeye sighed, and tried to start with the least traumatized figure in the form of Alphonse, who was at least not talking to himself or looking to inflict bodily harm.

"Alphonse, it's ok, nothing can hurt you here…"

"_Burble gurgle_"

"MY EYES!"

A slight _whoosh_ and a little warmth on her back let Lt. Hawkeye know that her commander was off of the phone, and had located his gloves.

"I'll return soon!" he promised, and vanished out the door.

"Come on now, Alphonse, just don't look, and we can leave, ok?"

"_don'tlookitcan'thurtme_"

_Wait a second_… Hawkeye whirled around.

Mustang-taicho _never_ took off his gloves.

And there was a suspicious pile of ash where his untouched paperwork had been.

* * *

A/N

Eh, trying to get in the mood to work on _Demon's Contract_, and got this instead.


End file.
